He’s ….

he’s fine i told myself over and over 

He fine i told myself for reassurance 

He’s fine I told myself He always gets better

He’s fine

he’s fine

he’s fine

Only to find out he’s not.

He’s gone i told myself over and over

He’s gone I told myself to reassure me

He’s gone I told myself He didn’t get better

He’s gone

gone 

gone.

idk

I dont know if im in love with you. or just in love with an idea of having someone. I dont know if im just in love with love. i’ve always loved the idea of love but i dont know if im in love with you. Gosh im so torn and confused. God please guide me.Right now im just running in neverending circles, i dont know what way to go…

Im So lost.

Something i wrote. like anyone reads this stuff anymore

The thought races through her head all the time. The what if of what could have happened. She can’t help but to stare into the person she once knew. The person that once brought her so much joy now just brings her so many tears. She can’t stop herself from looking through the old photos of you and her. She’ll stare at them for hours. Fighting the tears that try to escape. Songs that come on the radio remind her of you. She has to prove to the world that she’s stronger than this. She’s stronger than you. Instead of crying she just gets angry. She cant let anyone know she’s still hurting. The looks they give to each other are just like a scene from a movie. Blank and emotionless. She tries not to care. even though it breaks her heart, she stares at the pictures of you..Reminding herself that its not you anymore. That’s not the you now. The person in the picture, the person she loves isn’t there anymore. So as she looks at you, she chokes down the tears, places that smile on her face and hides the fact shes still in love with you.

Stupid mind.

i cant keep doing this to myself…. i torture myself by looking at those pictures. im making myself more bitter and thats not good. I say i hate you..but i know i dont i just think im angry inside so naturally when your angry at someone you say “i hate them” i can’t keep living in the past. im torturing myself by remembering the good. The fun. The happy. The us.. The you. You… i miss you. not the person u are now. not someone so cold to me..but you. the person i knew. The person i love. The person i fell in love with. i miss the old times we had together. i miss the fun, now im just full of anger… AND yes hannah im angry.. i can be angry! 

Im mostly fine, but these are one of those days when im not. When my mind gets the better of me and starts thinking. thinking of everything that went wrong. thinking of everything that could go wrong.

And This is my tumblr so i’ll write whatever i want! im not writing anything bad or against God. im writing my feelings and if u dont wanna read it then unfollow me! 

Richard,

I know your going to read this, cause you read my last one. There are somethings that i need say to you. and its not mean and im not angry…im hurt! There are just somethings i dont understand. i need you to answer them for me… cause im lost. i dont know what happened. You always told me you could never stay mad at me, or you would never stop loving me…and then something changed. you changed at least from what i saw. i already apologized for what i did in my past. you forgave me and i can’t change that. im changed now… i got the wake up call.

another thing thats been bugging me is you read my last post and my last post i wrote like the day after you told me you vowed not to talk to me… so i was upset. I wrote that purely out of angry.and i deleted it once i calmed down.. praying u didnt read it. when i wrote that i wasnt saying our relationship was worthless.. i was saying it felt like that it was meaningless to u. I was hurt. the person i love just told me he vowed and got his accountablity partner to keep him accountable not to speak to me. i was hurt. 

Another thing, when you were skyping megan, u knew i was there. and im pretty sure u knew i could hear u, which is why when u wanted to speak with megan alone i went outside. but you said something, and i cant get it out of my head. your praying about dating someone else… it felt like you forgot about me. and about everything we’ve been through. like out plans we made meant nothing…. its seriously has been like a month and a half since i said i wanted to focus on God, and your already praying about dating her. that hurt me. I pray for you every night. And i even pray that if its Gods will for you to date her, then to show u. I pray that. 

I still can’t wrap my head around what happened. It was like one day you were you and the next day you were someone else. Thats what it felt like to me. I love hannah and her grandpa and there whole family but it does seem like thats what happened. thats what it looks like from my point of view (and hannah if you read this, i dont have anything against u or your grandpa and im not blaming you guys) 

Lately i’ve been having dreams about u. And us talking it out. i wake up knowing thats not going to happen. Just know i do still care about you. and i would never do anything on purpose to hurt you. you were my best friend, you are my best friend. even if u dont wanna be mine. I thought i knew everything about you apparently i didnt know how you felt about me. It just kinda feels like to me that you were just lying to me. and i know those are just feelings…and thats probably not true. but The feelings get so strong sometimes i can’t ignore them.

how many times do i need to say im sorry?

Ah tumblr. i havent been on in a while and i know no one comes on anymore so basically im pouring out my feelings to myself. just to get them out!

I feel so broken right now. i’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life but i gotta say this is one of my biggest ones. I never thought you were going to say that to me. ” don’t talk to me”  i swear when i read that i felt my heart break. It just hurt to know you didnt wanna hear from me anymore. your my best friend..or were. I’ve apologized so many times yet, it doesnt change. you deleted me as a friend on facebook. its like you dont want anything to do with me. its like you hardened your heart towards me and that hurts. I know what im losing now. richard, its literally breaking my heart. u meant so much to me…and now i mean so little to you. and i could get angry and i could go tell the school and be so mean and nasty and try to get even but im not like that. i wont say a word and i’ll honor your wishes no matter how much it hurts me. what hurts me the most is that your leaving and now u want nothing to do with me. u were just crying about how u would never wanna do anything to hurt me Friday. And maybe i over reacted and i was mean and im sorry. like i said im just sorry. im working on it… i’ll try harder than i’ve ever tried before..just please be my friend……im so sorry! i dont know what else to say i thought we could get over it like we’ve always have. when u said that it felt like a ton of bricks just fell on me….like i walked into a wall full on. like i just lost someone i thought i’d never lose. at least as a friend…